Any time I visit my dear old grandparents, they make it a point to ask how I’m doing:
“Oh, we didn’t think we’d make it this far. We might go any day now…it’s nice you called. How is the weather? Do you like your job?”
Sprinkled amongst their many questions is always one that always serves as a special treat:
“Are you meeting any nice men out there?”
While it’s definitely thrilling enough having them grill my sister about her boyfriend (whom they are under the impression was born in Nigeria and whose name has been American-Depression-Era-icized as “Timmy” instead of Temi), I sometimes get the pleasure of explaining to my 88-year-old grandparents that no, they will not live to see the day I date anyone and get married anywhere other than a Las Vegas church by Elvis while three times over the legal limit.
My grandparents are tough folks, having grown up in the Depression and all, so they put on their bravest faces, ignore the shock, and try to keep their teeth in their mouths.
Bless their souls, I love them to death.
In spite of them almost certainly believing I am a closet lesbian, I have decided to put myself out there…starting now. Here’s a preliminary start to my dating profile which will be up within the next month. I’m not joking.
Name: Kristin Elizabeth Hovie III*
*Not the III
Short Blurb on Me: I spent most of my life fighting with my father (who didn’t understand my curiosity about the human world) and this curvalicious octopus b*tch (who wanted my voice to seduce my hot love interest). My best friends include a neurotic crab who composes music and Flounder, who is basically my day one hoe. Oh wait…that’s The Little Mermaid…
Hometown: Bumblef*ck, Wisconsin
Currently: Laying in a ditch contemplating the meaning of life.
Birthday: November 9th
Education: BA in English, elementary tap dancing.
Occupation: Standing in line for food at soup kitchens due to said Bachelor’s Degree.
Height: Chances are I can probably dunk on yo ass and hit a three point fade away jumper on you in a game of one-on-one. If you like ya shawties…shawt…I am very not that.
Body Type: A cross between a sock monkey and an 80-year-old amateur adult film star. I will not send you anything other than head-shot photos because I want to troll you so hard on date #1. I just might be a transvestite.
Sexual Orientation: I identify strongly with a potato.
Ethnicity: White as f*ck.
Thing I am Most Passionate About: Taco Bell, a good whiskey Old Fashioned, and shaking my ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car
Religion: The one with human sacrifices every Tuesday night.
- Thumbs Up from mom for cleaning up dog poop on front lawn
- Gold Star for mastering “Mississippi Hot Dog” on the violin
- Pat On The Back from dad for being able to tell the difference between a Phillips and Straight Edge screwdriver
- $10 from Grandpa for power washing front porch
- Insurmountable Feelings of Pride from Self for backing a trailer
- Pokemaster (all badges, beat Professor Oak’s nephew no prob)
- Killed a Basilisk and saved Hogwarts on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (for PS2) in roughly eight hours
- Powers: Fireblast (but only five times per battle or I get worn out), Bubbleblast, Scratch, and Whine
- Participation Ribbon for 13th place at Summer Fun Run of 2004
Things Overheard about Kristin:
- “I just don’t understand how she finds shoes large enough for her feet…” -Kristin’s prom date Senior year of High School after being stepped on several times
- “I was always very concerned about her…in fifth grade she would crawl around on the ground at recess by herself and insist that others call her ‘Blackstar’ or something like that. The janitor had to rip down half the forts she made along the fence back in ‘04.” -Kristin’s 5th Grade Teacher
- “Kristin who?” -Kristin’s 7th Grade Crush
- “Helluv an ass.” -Homeless man in New York City
- Catching mad air off my front curb with my Razr scooter
- Cyberbullying children
- Tweeting slam poetry at McDonald’s
- Working on my beer pong wrist flick while in public places
- Probably making you a sandwich
- “Positive self talk is hard when you’re working with an idiot.” -Me
- Contact me at this phone number (920-555-5555). It’s my dad’s cell, he’ll want to conduct a thorough screening of your dating profile and will set up an appointment/date if you fit the following qualifications:
- Nobel Peace Prize recipient
- Have owned or currently own a Mustang GT
- and Like fart jokes