Not only did you guess correctly that this is my most self-indulgent post yet to date, but I have an excuse for a KRISTIN on KRISTIN interview:
This self-indulgent and self-righteous betch’s birthday is coming up. Text me so I can send you my address. My favorite flowers are roses and I am open to sad, interpretative strippergram lap dances!
24, what an age. I leave my 23rd year on Earth with no paying job, no significant other, an all consuming sense of dread, three-year-old hair extensions, and a slight twitch in my left eye that I can’t seem to shake off even by eating a banana each day.
Here’s to 24, may it prove to be the year I finally get my revenge on the popular kids at my high school by setting the gymnasium on fire as I’m covered in blood. Oh wait, that’s actually a scene from Carrie (the original one, not the sh*tty remake) and I hold no ill will against my high school peers so I doubt that’ll occur, but here’s to 24, the year I’ll be able to afford biweekly blowouts for my pink Shih Tzu, Lollipop! ❤
But in all reality, I decided to invite back one of your favorite friends to interview me on how I’m about to take the big 2-4 by storm. Today, we welcome back thirteen-year-old Kristin Hovie. She’s a rhinestone GAP sweatshirt-wearing, boy crazy, diary-writing, spunky 7th grader with plenty of go-to phrases that certainly serve as red flags to explain the late Kristin Hovie’s night terrors further down the road. Thirteen-year-old Kristin also believed she was a cat for the whole of 5th grade and serves as a reminder that your child is not “artistic”, she’s just really f*ckin’ weird.
Current Kristin (CK): It’s great to have you back, former Kristin. Welcome to 2016. I like your high waisted soccer shorts and am very shocked you don’t have a yeast infection because they’re so high. But how are you doing today?
7th Grade Kristin (7K): What the beans did you do to my hair? It’s frickin’ blonde? Also, I was told I was conducting this interview.
CK: Shut up, it’s fabulous and all right, ask away. I’m ready to be asked what my favorite horse breed is.
7K: Do you still like horses?! I thought that would kind of be a thing that faded away…kind of like how Logan used to like John Deere tractors and Alli used to throw temper-tantrums every time she had to bring her socks up the stairs.
7K: Dudette, you’re kidding!
CK: I actually taught English Horsemanship two summers ago at a camp-
7K: TWO summers ago? When you already graduated from college? I thought you’d be doing whatever it is vet-people do by then.
CK: Well…we actually decided in high school that I sucked balls at math and veterinarian school is pretty hard stuff-
7K: (incredulous) I’ve spent MONTHS taking measurements of our fish and recording their growth on charts! Do you even realize how frickin’ mad this makes me-
CK: Don’t use frickin’, dad hates that word.
7K: (continuing to rant) because I’ve also thought about doing drawings of Clarese and Sashi (our cats, we no longer have them) to document-
CK: (interrupting) I’ve clearly failed you as an adult so can we just get to the interview questions you’ve prepared? I’d like to see how else I’ve drastically disappointed your hopes to own five horses by the age of eighteen.
7K: Fine. Okay, so are you married?
CK: No. Actually what’s funny is mom was married at my age but I don’t even have a mortgage yet!
7K: …you do have a boyfriend right?
Please let it be Kyle, please let it be Kyle…
CK: See, it’s funny because in high school you actually secretly date a girl for a couple of years, fly off the rails for a little while after that, spend years trying to figure out your sexuality, then believe love doesn’t exist, then believe it might, but either way you learn so much along the way! You learn so much, little Kristin! Kyle turns into a little turd by the way, his current profile pic is a blurry picture of a Pokemon. Not worth your time, man.
CK: It’s chill, man.
7K: I’m sure you’re lying, but okay.
(current Kristin shakes her head)
Next question. Are you still friends with Peyton, Haley, Erica, Sarah, and Monika?
CK: I’m going to give you a short answer on this one. No. No you are not, but sometimes you like their stuff on Facebook. You make a bunch of new friends and so do they!
7K: (monotone) You’re giving me so much to look forward to, Kristin.
CK: Well, in many ways, yes. You make some great friends later in high school and end up playing volleyball in college. You go do that for four years at a school in New York and make some of the best friends who are still in your life today.
7K: I play volleyball in college?! In New York?!
CK: Yeah, Division 1 volleyball. Be proud, you little freak.
7K: I bet I’m a setter! I’m a setter right now for the Shattuck Sharks.
CK: Uhhh…you’re actually a really sh*tty setter in the future. Your hands kinda blow, but you can hit the ball so you’ll be fine.
7K: The future is sure a weird place. I also thought by 24 that I’d be living on a farm with horses or something.
CK: Yeah…you kind of figure out that the country life is not what you’re trying to do, buddy.
7K: Is that why I go to a school in New York City?!
CK: Binghamton is actually three hours away from the City.
7K: (unsure) Binghampton?
CK: Exactly. There ya go, sport.
7K: I like it. It sounds very resort-y! Okay, next question. Do mom and dad get less annoying? They’re always telling me I can only play Spyro and Gallop Horseracer on PS2 for only one hour before I have to go outside and play.
CK: (sarcastically) Wow, the nerve.
7K: I’m trying to beat the games!
CK: Well, I’m going to blow your freakin’ mind and just wreck this for you- you don’t end up completely beating either game until your sophomore year of college anyway, so go outside and tan your pale-ass skin. You make an entire Instagram post out of it. Mom and dad aren’t annoying, they just want the best for you. You can’t see it yet because you’re only thirteen, but they love you so much and will do so much to ensure your happiness.
7K: Gee whiz…I must really suck at the games. What’s Instaham? I’m happy to hear mom and dad get cool.
CK: InstaGRAM, butt head. It’s a social media site. But not like Chat Roulette. Not at all, actually. And no, mom and dad have always been cool. You’re just an angst-ridden teenager. It gets easier. The zits get smaller, your heart gets larger, and you kind of lose your innocence but it’s part of growing older.
7K: No one believed me that one time I picked at a zit and then said I got hit in the head with a shovel.
CK: I know, Kristin. I know.
7K: I thought Mr. Trinkler maybe believed it, but-
CK: Nah. He definitely didn’t.
7K: Okay, well I have a couple last questions. Where do you see yourself in five years?
CK: Ah, what an original question.
7K: I had to finish my homework and didn’t have time to prepare!
CK: Oh, also- homework in 7th grade is a CAKE WALK compared to what it becomes later in life. But to answer your question, I don’t know. Financially stable, maybe? Hopefully I’m doing something I kind of like, have a condo, I don’t know. Maybe lease a horse? Right now I’m kind of driving all over the east coast chasing whatever. I don’t think more than a couple days ahead much anymore, so I’ll just say I hope I know how to be truly happy.
7K: You could’ve maybe just said, “I’d like to be a veterinarian with five horses”-
CK: …but we all know that’s not what I’m going for. You see how much your life changes from thirteen years of age to twenty-four? I know you couldn’t plan for half of the things you’ll go through to make me, who I (who we) are today. Life is a crazy thing, Kristin.
7K: That was very deep and I think I’ll record it in my diary.
CK: Yeah, record it next to the entry you write where you’re worried about mom and dad publishing your entire diary. Like “Anne Frank”, you write.
7K: Hey, it could happen! I don’t want Alli to know who I like!
CK: In the future, you guys aren’t shy about talking to each other about it. Give it a rest.
7K: (nodding) Weird…well. Last question, then. What have your favorite moments been in life so far?
CK: I have three I’ll tell you today. I’ve been acutely aware of how amazing a few experiences were while they were happening. First was swimming in the Mediterranean Ocean off the coast of Capri in Italy. Another was floating in a lake in Lake Placid, New York looking up at the stars at midnight. Last one was in a bar in college when you were with your friends during pitcher night. That sums it up. Three great times, best friends, an awesome family. You have a good life.
7K: Cool. Actually, last question for real. What’s your favorite horse breed now?
CK: Same as it’s always been, kid.
CK: You betcha.
7K: I always knew you’d hold onto a little part of me, the “former” you.
CK: One of my favorite parts of me today is that I’ve always held onto some of the “weirdo” I used to have. Minus the rhinestone GAP sweatshirts and soccer shorts. You get better style as you age. Your style kinda sucks right now. Everyone’s does.
7K: I just bought my first t-shirt from American Eagle the other day. That’s cool.
CK: No. Just because other kids are wearing it doesn’t make it cool. Just go do you, boo. Also- please don’t buy jeans from Hollister. They aren’t going to do you any favors.
7K: I’ll try to remember.
CK: Thanks, pal. Thanks for having me.
7K: No prob. I’m just going to go back to playing Spyro now until mom makes dinner-
CK: Yeah, you’ll grow to appreciate her vegan cooking someday.
7K: (shouting) MOM IS A VEGAN?
CK: We’ll save that for a different time.