A Less Politically Correct “31 Things Current and Former Students Know to Be True at Binghamton University”

Remember that list that resurfaced a month ago which compiled the thirty-one things Binghamton Students supposedly know to be true? Did anyone else feel like it left out a great number of politically incorrect points? Well, I did.

So naturally, as I sit here in bed, I’m here to make the most of a great opportunity to show potential employers my complete inability to relate to other humans and my only skill on LinkedIn: making lists of things WHILE IN A WORD DOCUMENT. SUch SkiLL! It’s all downhill from there (juuust kidding, don’t get you undies in a bundle).

But anyway, if you agree, disagree, whatever, it doesn’t matter to me. Here’s a highly superficial list I’ve compiled with some of my close friends that I feel addresses some of the things we the original article missed out on. Feel free to comment below and add your own points as I’m sure I’ve left out a few good ones.

…because it’s never fun to be 100% politically correct all the time. Right?

Enjoy.

1.) Jesse Garn is the actual unauthorized, unofficial school mascot since no one knows what the hell a bearcat is. Find out what Google Scholar (Wikipedia) says here about the part reptile, part humanoid being.

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The highly aggressive binturong (pictured above) can actually be found in Southeast Asia and was chosen Binghamton’s mascot in the fall of 1999 as a both nod to Binghamton’s 79% Asian undergrad population and as a drunken mistake at Y2K “we’re all f*cked party”. Party host Ted Thomilson was quoted as saying, “if we make it through this millenium bug crap, I’ll appoint a bearcat as Binghamton’s school mascot. Mark my words”. The bearcat has remained ever since.

2.) No one’s ugly after 3am once it’s closing time downtown.

3.) Once you discover the Blake, you’ll never regret choosing Binghamton as your “not quite Ivy League school” school again.

4.) If you’re not Asian or Jewish, you will be severely outnumbered in each lecture you take.

5.) Some of you will never participate in your community’s events, ever. Who even knows what goes on at “Mountainview Days” anyway???

6.) There is indeed a former Playboy bunny that prowls Main Street at odd hours of the morning. Yes, she will let you touch her boobs if you take a photo with her.

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Yasss, Kween!

7.) The air will hurt your face come February-April as you’re struggling to walk uphill to class both ways. All ways. ANY way.

8.) Some students will tawk to yew like this, and if yew don’t knahw wut I mean, then yew’re from Strawng Island. Non-Long Islanders will try and figure out how to imitate this accent much to the Long Islanders’ annoyance. Usually it’s pretty bad.

9.) Binghamton’s campus is a reunion waiting to happen for anyone who graduated from a high school on Long Island, too.

10.) You will overhear arguments from students who say the Long Islanders are incorrectly referring to Binghamton as “upstate”.

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In other words, everything north of NYC or Westchester. To be honest, I’m never even quite sure anymore where upstate is and I’ve even been to the Adirondacks.

11.) Most of you will be unequivocally wasted at any major Binghamton Holiday besides Yom Kippur (Spring Fling, Homecoming, whatever). Some of you still will be wasted during Yom Kippur anyway.

12.) You and your friends might just spend hours upon hours dicking around at Target.

13.) The locals all have 607 area code phone numbers.

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Swim away.

14.) If you’re trying to smoke pot, go to Binghamton’s nature preserve.

15.) Feeling angst about wanting to kill off half the deer on campus, but not wanting to seem like an a**hole for feeling this desire.

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When looking right to left while walking up to Mountainview, one may have the chance of spotting some of God’s beautiful creatures!

16.) The soccer team hangs out at Tony’s. No one is ever sure exactly why.

17.) Many athletes hang out at JT’s.

18.) Don’t even think about trying to get into Dillinger’s without a great fake, your real ID, or a great rack.

19.) Roughly 74% of Binghamton’s undergrads are angsty kids who haven’t quite gotten over the fact that they weren’t admitted into Cornell.

20.) Binghamton does not have a football team and never will, so STOP ASKING ALREADY.

21.) There is a great flood every five years that completely devastates the city, but allows you to go mud sliding in your dorm’s community. Yay?

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Because nothing says fun like rolling around in something that may contain fecal matter. In all seriousness, the flooding is actually not fun and is highly devastating to to community.

22.) You’ve flipped someone’s furniture in their dorm-room while they were away, because you knew they taped their door.

23.) Some of the club teams will walk around campus with their gear and the athletes will get pissed off the word “Club” isn’t large enough.

24.) Getting pissed off at cars who don’t respect your right to walk across the street.

25.) And yes, all the Maseratis, Porches, and BMWs belong to Asians.

26.) Trying and failing to get into SOM after a midlife crisis, then realizing you don’t have a 4.0 GPA and a Nobel Peace Prize necessary to get in.

27.) Yes, it’s a Public Ivy. But doesn’t that basically mean we’re a cheaper, less preppy and well endowed Ivy as well…?

28.) No one outside of New York or the East Coast has ever heard of it except some random guy you meet in the airport on a three hour layover. IT’S PRONOUNCED BING-UM-TIN. NOT BING-HAMPT-ON! For the love of God, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

29.) Vaughan is the TITS, and yes, there will always be rumors flying around that he’s leaving, so yes, sell your soul to get into one of his lectures.

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Vaughan, if you’re reading this, this was the most swag photo I could find please don’t kill me.

30.) The athletes will always b*tch about not getting enough funding and the University’s population generally not caring about how well they do.

31.) Your four years of undergrad go by WAY too quickly, and you’ll always have a soft spot when reminscing with friends about all the stupid, hoodrat things you did together.

Bottom line, I loved Binghamton University and met most of my best friends there. I couldn’t have picked a better community to grow up in and dedicate this post to them as they’ve helped me write it.

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I hereby dedicate this to: David, Steph (Peanut), Manz, Lex, and Jojo. There. That’s pretty formal, yes? (Jojo is not pictured)

 

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