Who the Heck Am I: Questions I Can’t Even Answer, A “One Year Anniversary Of This Blog” Post

I’ve been writing this post in my head for at least the last week. It’s been waking me up at 2am, keeping me up late, been on my mind as I’m driving around town, and now that I’m actually sitting in front of my computer screen…of course I can’t remember half of those super inspirational one-liners I had readily available when a pen and paper weren’t. Son of a gun. I thought I was going to have one of the next TedTalks on deck here.

So even though I hope to inspire the pants off you, this post is largely about me and who I think I am now.

Short answer slash cute anecdotes: I was driving around last Wednesday with the golden retriever sitting shot gun, wearing ripped jeans and a flannel listening to “Kiss My Country Ass” by Blake Shelton (I encourage you to look up the lyrics, it’ll only add to this parody) and “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns N’ Roses cruising through the countryside during golden hour. Beautiful.

Fast-forward a couple days. Now I’m reading a Jared Diamond book on evolutionary biogeography and the fate of humankind while sipping on Trader Joe’s Fall Blend tea and listening to a mix of contemporary jazz, Beethoven, and Tame Impala. Every once and awhile I remind myself to send off emails to indie publishing companies to inquire about possible internship opportunities. Oh- and the scones are in the oven. They’ll be out in just a minute. But let me finish this chapter on the ahu and moai on Easter Island first, I’m just absolutely dying to find out why their society may have collapsed through socioeconomic means!

I hope you read that last part in a breathy British accent, because you should. I know I did.

To add to the facade, “Fabulous Kristin” is the one that comes out when I’m typically trying to make people laugh at the expense of my own ridiculousness. Those who don’t get this humor often just think I’m an a-hole as well, but those of you who know me know I’m kidding. Or half kidding. Sometimes I don’t even know because I’m too busy YOLOing by word of mouth.

This dramatic Kristin will whine about her acrylic tips getting broken because of (ew) manual labor that she likens to slave-work (even though she’s getting paid well over minimum wage), she will spend a majority of her time rolling her eyes at the lack of empathy others have for touching her weave, and she spends on average 56 minutes talking about herself in an hour long conversation at a family wedding in which she is one glass of pinot short from playing air guitar to “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. She’s generally incompetent and will whine your ear off if you let her. She also makes occasional appearances in my Instagram vids.

Essentially, my run-on sentence here is nothing short of 100% true information. That’s why it’s a run-on sentence with plenty of detail. I couldn’t make that up if I tried, people.

Though there are plenty more Kristins I could spend time describing, I think it’s about time I get to my main point(s) here.

One, I am clearly made up of several different assholes. Two, did you get all-day breakfast at MacDons the other day??? I didn’t and I’m sad. And three, if you’re in your early twenty-something years and you know who you are and what you want, you’re lying to yourself or your parents raised an extraordinarily well adjusted kid with childhood trips to Paris/Africa, a rescue puppy named “Francis”, and an affinity for handing out antibiotic free turkey sandwiches to the homeless every Sunday after church at 2pm. That is definitely specific enough to be someone, but I actually don’t know anyone like that. So bottom line, you’re lying to yourself.

I’m constantly defining, and trying to redefine myself. I don’t know who I am. Self indulgent? Yes. But I like to think that I am kinda stuck here with myself and that if I’m going to enjoy life, I’m going to have to self indulge a little to gain a good working relationship with myself- because I don’t exactly love “me”. There’s plenty I would change about myself if I could.

The Kristin I want to be would be completely comfortable in her sexuality as to not make others uncomfortable around her, self-assured in the sense that she wouldn’t have wasted most of her years playing sports worried about making mistakes, and would be at least somewhat confident in her faith.

But I am none of these things.

I spent two or three years in a relationship with a girl that contributed to an attempt on my own life, many hours in various gyms with a terrible attitude, hitting myself and cussing myself out for not being close to perfect, and constantly fighting the urge to simply dismiss religion as man-made and dangerous to the scientific method.

You can see why my mother prays for me every night. I am by no means an easy child to handle, and wish I could be the somewhat normal and 100% straight “can I bring my boyfriend of five years home for Thanksgiving?” kind of girl who also played college volleyball, earned first or second team all conference, and was loved and remembered by most of her teachers and coaches because she wasn’t a shithead who rocked the boat too much.

I wish all of that, but those are not the cards I was dealt, or I did not adequately deal with the cards I was dealt (I don’t want to sound like I’m saying “poor me” because that’s not my intention).

I know that sounds especially depreciative, but I could never imagine trying dealing with a kid like myself. I pouted during much of my club volleyball years while sitting the bench, was arrogant, energy sucking, and self absorbed in high school volleyball, but yet timid and not confident while playing soccer- managing to score a goal on my own freshman team (one of only three goals scored on us that entire undefeated season) and crying about it during the game because I knew I wasn’t any good, I cheated on a math test my sophomore year of high school and was caught, had to withdraw from a college class because I was failing due to the fact that I just didn’t turn anything in or go to lectures, and am the only child in my family that can consistently make my mother cry. I’ve marred countless relationships due to this and it’s hard to look back now that I’m older as I try to figure out how I should go about fixing things.

Despite this, however, I think I’m finally to a point in my life where I can mostly forgive myself for what I’ve done in the past. The past is the past. Acuna mattata- ya gotta put your behind the past…or you gotta put the past behind you. Whatever. But yet I think the past is something to be revered, something to guide you into the future, of course. I’m definitely not perfect, although my Instagram account and Facebook may allude to this smiling, tan, blonde-haired, blued-eyed, former Division 1 athlete. Currently, despite this fact, I’m trying to make positive “moves”. I’m not sure if it’s forward, sideways, or whatnot- but I know I’m going somewhere, which is better than nowhere.

Looking at my life, I spent much of my time chasing perfection and found myself hardly ever achieving it. This caused many of my demises. My philosophy has typically been, “do it perfectly or not at all” in the past and it has gotten me to where I am today- sitting and blogging about it on a Friday afternoon wishing I could have made changes earlier. It is isn’t completely bad that I do this or anything as it certainly gives me a piece of mind and the ability to empathize with others, but it pains me to see others going through some of the same things I went through. As long as I don’t spend too much of my time looking back, I generally gain something from it. I know I am who I am today because of what I was, and that encourages me to focus on the present (as weird and backwards as that sounds).

But anyway, this is where you guys come in. I’ve spent this entire post talking about myself, but what I really want to get into is what I intend this post to do. Talk is great, but action is better.

You may disagree with me, but I think it’s important to be a little self indulgent in thinking about yourself. Looking back at the past may be painful, but in small doses it can be useful as it helps you move forward in the present as you keep your eyes on the horizon line of the future- because that’s what we all look forward to, right? The future. We are always trying to make small changes to make our lives and those lives around us better. It’s pretty efficient to do so and by making these changes you’re playing an active part in your own life. Some people do this without thinking, but for some people like myself, I need to break it down to see all the little pieces. I don’t do this naturally.

Although doing this has led me to some self-clarity, I still have no answer for you, or for myself as to who I am. I know what I like and dislike, I know who I was and who I want to be, and I know I am generally a people pleaser- all of which add up to what I think I might be- a bundle full of contradictions that will try and figure out who you want me to be when I’m around you. That essentially gives me no definition whatsoever. And maybe that’s who I am. Who knows.

So before I continue on into an existential crisis about whether or not a person can even be real and whether anything exists at all, I just want to kind of sum this post up so I don’t leave you feeling lost in the fog of what I’ve put out there.

I’m Kristin Hovie and I’m not sure who I am. I’m a twenty-something-year-old and I know that the fact that I’m not sure who I am surely imparts the feeling that I am indeed alive and living. Humans tend to go through this sort of “crisis” in transition periods- of which I am certainly in right now. I recently got a part-time job in this area and have no idea what I’ll do next- I’m trying to take things day by day and figure out what I’m passionate about, and when I can’t find an answer to that, I ask myself what I’m curious about. It’s a daily “thing” here for me to keep me moving (hopefully) forward.

What I’m essentially trying to get across is that if you’re feeling the same way as I am or anywhere close, you’re not alone. You might feel like you’re being crushed under the weight of the world, but I promise as weird as it sounds, if you try to have a good attitude and forgive yourself for what you are not in that moment, you should be okay. You might emerge with a couple scrapes and bruises, but once you get out of the storm, you’ll find that you’re all right. You made it. Keep what makes you happy in sight- whether it’s a walk around the block with your dog or getting that Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbs. It’s typically when you go back to the simple things that you find clarity- at least that’s what I’ve found works for myself. 

So here’s a quick imaginary exercise for you that will totally blow your mind, brah. JK. But seriously…

Try and imagine yourself driving through a field in a car that can only go forward- where ever that may be. You’re going to have to keep looking forward so you don’t completely hit anything like a river, woodchuck (really, Kristin? A freakin’ woodchuck?) or a tree. You’ll want to look back in the review mirror every once and awhile to see if there’s anything or anyone behind you even though you know you’re going in the opposite direction- you always will be. That’s life. You’ll keep moving in one direction- you’ll keep getting older. Ain’t no goin’ back, son. You’ll find it’s wise to look back in the review mirror or past occasionally, but not beneficial to stay there. There are objects ahead that you’re going to have to maneuver. Problems will arise and so far, they are only going to get more complicated. So continue on. Keep going forward but keep that review mirror handy. Life is a long trip if you’re lucky- so don’t lose sight of where you’re going, where you’ve come from, and where you think you are right now.

Because it’s crap like that that makes life worth it.

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