FOREWARNING: this is rated M for MATURE (is that even a thing for a blog post?), I will and do swear (tastefully, of course) and the content is not for those who wish to hear a 20-something year old mention blowjobs in the same sentence as vaginas. The content is meant to be as such. If you are offended, it is not my intent. I am simply parodying a set of beliefs. Proceed at your own risk.
If I’m totally bitchin’ at one thing in life, it’s friend-zoning myself. I am okay at singing Bills, Bills, Bills in the shower, I am pretty competent at Facebook stalking your mom, but the place in where I shine brightest: friend-zoning myself.
Potential lover is going in for the hug? Aw, nah. Let’s just shake hands- much more intimate! A guy is going on about how he likes me? Why thank you, bro! I like you too; we make such jolly good best friends! …….
Yeah. The one time I had a guy tell me he liked me I said “thank you” just like in those Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany’s gifs. Same shit, only I was wasted and started laughing hysterically at the notion that another human being could like me other than my family. Basically, not nearly as dope as Audrey Hepburn. *Sigh* Life is just literally so hard…
But for those of you people out there who want to be like me and wear generous amounts of black clothing and eyeliner, write mournful haikus about past lovers while hating on mainstream ideologies, listen up. I’m about to help you discover the whole new world of relationship gridlock. You literally will go nowhere with any potential suitor with these sick techniques which allow me to keep my #single #girl #swag <3.
#1. Easiest way to friend zone yourself: act like a dude. Talk about blowjobs, fucking bitches, getting money, and how great you think Britney Spears would be in bed. Fart, shit, pee (but don’t queef!!!) over anything and everything. Take Snapchats of it. Make it your story. Do as the guys do, man.
Long story short, the trick is to make it seem like you actually have a dick between your legs and that if your guy friend started hitting on you it would be the gayest thing since Cats the Musical.
#2. If you’re starting to date a guy and are becoming uncomfortable with the thought of having to blow him in an attempt to justify all the dinner, flowers, and the other shit he probably isn’t getting you, simply begin to joke around about beating the buh-Jesus out of him. Then actually begin to physically abuse him.
Date: “I have bought you dinner, my love.”
You: “LOL, thanks man.” *punch date in gut*
Date: “Wow, you are quite the feisty one, there.”
You: “Yeah. Lol. I bet I could beat you up.”
Nothing says friend zone “let’s be homies” like joking around about physical abuse.
#3. Have a really hot friend with a fun personality and a rack and/or ass that don’t and can’t quit.
This step is quite simple. If you are constantly around a girl who is hotter than you, you will succeed in being the super goofy friend that resembles the loveable family dog in every third-wheel situation. Guys love fun, hot girls. Guys also love dogs, but they would never want to stick it in their dog’s butt. See what I mean? In choosing to have hot, awesome friends, you automatically get to be the cool friend with no vagina or sex drive. It’s a win-win.
So from now on when you hear the word “friend zone”, don’t get upset. Don’t bust your ass trying to escape it. It’s a great place to be, gol’ darnit!
I’ve swagged out in this zone for many years and look at me! I’m super successful, have many friends, even more guy friends, and none of the drama or love that any of my friends may have had*. I fall asleep next to my dolphin Pillowpet each night with a smile on my face because I know that he loves me**. That’s all I’ve ever and will ever need***. So go on out there, young chaps, and try these tips out and comment below about your success!